I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
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Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Breaking news:
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.