Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
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I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.