If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
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My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
fourth time’s the charm
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Software Development ⛵️
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Hmmmmm
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?