interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
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My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!