*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
San Francisco has too many rules
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.