Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
How to make infinite energy.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.