I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
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Cartman: Respect my
a a
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.