*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
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The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
*jazz hands*
Meme Monday.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.