uncle dave has been through hell
You Might Also Like
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here