If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
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[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
How to make infinite energy.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*