Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
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quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
*puts my mental health in rice
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
This is my cat’s medicine.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.