Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
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DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
No. He’s not coming out to play
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I’m having an out of money experience.