Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
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I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Yes
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*