Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
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Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Just parrot things
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.