I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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*loses you in a crowd*
finally
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
me working on my assignments ^-^
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god