Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
You Might Also Like
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.