Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
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*deals poker hand*
peacock that鈥檚 just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
welcome to the motel california
it鈥檚 the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor鈥檚 voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
bias laundering edition
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Lady t-rex: I鈥檓 tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 馃槕
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
my friend鈥檚 kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
doctor鈥檚 receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria鈥檚 Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.