(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
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Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.