The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
You Might Also Like
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam