BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
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Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Got ya covered
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
where the womens at?
water it, i dare you