If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.