The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
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That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.