People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
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Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Bless you