I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
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Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.