My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
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Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
We all have our pet causes.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.