Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Oops
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]