I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
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The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers