Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
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I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My teenage children choosing violence
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair