Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.