and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
You Might Also Like
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
The only good comments section online is on recipes
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years