[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
You Might Also Like
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “