why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
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Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan