When the doctor asks about my sex life.
You Might Also Like
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
CRYING
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.