Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
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*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.