No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder