It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
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I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
me as a parent
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
bears
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy