The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
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The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
my mind
You just read my mind
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up