If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
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Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*