I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.