*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
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In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks