Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
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My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’