If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
You Might Also Like
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Oh we’ve met.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?