“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
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It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.