You deplete me
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Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
are they though??
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’d use my best pan on you.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.