Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
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Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
#NoRestForTheWicked
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder