Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off