When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
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i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you