My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Here’s a meme
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Watson was Holmes schooled
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?