[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
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[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I love it all
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?