Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
me and the Superbowl rn
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
*seductively eats two tums*
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical